doubts
by Laikwalasse
Summary: After the twins have made their choice all should be settled, or?


Doubts

Disclaimer:

The characters, places, and events are creations of J.R.R. Tolkien. No profit was or will be made from this story. It was written solely for entertainment.

Author's note:

As always many, many thanks to Erulisse and to Selene Aduial for beta reading this story for me. Thank you so much for your help and constant encouragement.

Summary: After the twins have made their choice all should be settled, or?

Doubts:

Long have we tarried with our choices. We've delayed our decisions again and again for uncounted reasons. "Why?" I ask myself now. Although the answer is clear to me, at least now that we have decided to sail, doubt again gnaws at me.

I cast a guarded look at you, my brother, riding next to me but your face is unreadable. I was always sure about your feelings, why are they hidden from me now?

Nothing should be amiss, now than the burden of how we should proceed is lifted from our shoulders. Do I imagine things?

Though careful, you sense my scrutiny and turn your head. And here it is again: your smile which infuriates me as much as I love it. Does it come from your heart or have you put it on to reassure me? Damn it! Why am I no longer sure what to make of you?

Even if you declare to me again and again that you are perfectly content with our choice to sail I cannot still the doubts ever winding into my thoughts.

A long time ago I had made my choice. I would not be separated from you. However you decided, I would follow you. And I would be content! Wouldn't I be content?

Have you consented to sail because you know I would rather sail then stay on Middle-earth?

Valar, help me! I'm usually sure of myself, of us, but now? Where has my confidence, my judgment departed to?

As we should have done long before, we've finally talked and you have agreed without hesitation to sail with me. But do you really want this, my brother?

Talk to me! Say to me, you do not want to! No! Don't say it. I want you to come with me….

Your smile has vanished. I can feel it instantly. You sense my turmoil. Of course you do! I swallow. I can keep nothing hidden from you, I never could. But you are closed up to me like never before. Or have I erected a barrier where I cannot or will not look behind?

A touch on my arm startles me. I look into your gentle but grave eyes. My heart races my breath quickens….

"Elrohir, stop this!" you demand softly but insistently. I take a deep breath. You are right. What has come over me?

With a soft command you stop both our horses. Without another word you dismount and I follow as always.

You pat your hand on the grass next to you and I sit down without thinking. I avoid your gaze. I feel like a child: foolish, insecure, forlorn….

"Elrohir…"

"Elladan…"

We start at the same moment and stop again. For a brief moment we are both smiling. We turn serious again, at the same moment, identical actions again.

After a prolonged silence you take my hand and I take a shuddering breath.

"Brother," you begin and I look at you with burning eyes. "I thought we had settled the matter. What makes you feel this agitated right now? Are you no longer sure you want to sail? Have we made the wrong choice, after so long?"

I swallow. I can clearly hear your annoyance although you do everything to suppress it and you are right to be angry at me.

"We've made the choice to sail and I'm happy and content, but…."

"But what…?" you demand and though you voice is gentle I feel your irritation.

I muster all my courage and utter the words I've dreaded saying since we were informed about the possibility of having a choice.

"Elladan," I begin while looking at my crossed legs, otherwise I fear my resolve would crumble.

"I'm happy that we've agreed to sail West, but I'm not entirely sure that you are content with this choice too." Raising my eyes I watch your face. You have completely blocked our bond. I am feeling no emotions from you – nothing positive, nothing negative. Only the graveness in your eyes remains.

I lower my eyes again. I was right. You are not content with this accursed choice. You have done it only to please me. I do not want this. *Do you hear me, brother?*

"Loud and clear!" you say.

I look up, startled. "Of course you can hear me. I've not shut you off."

You snort. Taking both of my hands in yours, I feel you tremble just like me. My questioning eyes meet yours. A lump rises in my throat. Oh brother why do I love you so much that it hurts? I could never be separated from you for any length of time. Please do not leave me. I will stay with you here in Middle-earth if I have to…

"Elrohir! Please, for one moment listen to me!" you say and my whirling thoughts stop. You look deep into my eyes and suddenly I can feel you again. The curtain is lifted and I hear your song clear and pure.

You have not uttered a word. I see and feel that you are as content as I with our decision to sail. Through sailing we will be able to see mother and father again, to return home.

Yet, what is this? A cloud? A cloud of doubt? You are not sure, at least not entirely. I've known it!

"Elrohir, brother!" you begin anew and I listen. "I'm sure. Do you hear me? I'm entirely sure that I want to sail. I cannot and will not deny that I love these shores dearly. I like the company of men, as you do. I like the rush of life they experience and as long as Estel and Arwen lived I was never sure what my choice should be. But they are long dead and now I'm tired. I want to sail, I want to see Adar and Naneth again, and I want to come home, to be at home!"

Tears roll down my cheeks not only because of your words but because of the reassuring feeling you send along our bond. I have missed this. Words can be deceiving, even from a brother, but the heart speaks true and your heart has just spoken.

Taking a shuddering breath I embrace you. I'm unable to utter a single word in response but it is not needed. Our hearts rejoice in unison, in perfect harmony.

Quickly we depart. A short while later the Havens come into sight. A ship awaits us but all looks deserted. *Are we the last elves to depart? Have we waited too long?* I wonder.

Dismounting we lead our horses up the gangway and we bow before the elf awaiting us halfway up.

"Lord Elladan, Lord Elrohir. The sons of Elrond are welcome on my ship."

We incline our head in greeting and gratitude. When I walk onto the deck I look back and an icy fist clenches around my heart.

You are still standing on the gangway, your gaze directed back the way we have come. I cannot see your face. Have your changed your mind?

For a moment my heart refuses to take another beat while you keep looking back at the land of our birth but then you turn and walk up to me. You ignore the shocked look on my face and slap me on the back.

"Come on, brother" you cry cheerfully. "Let us be off!"

My heart resumes beating. You have again opened your mind to me. I'm a fool. Why have I ever doubted?

The End.


End file.
